schizophrenia

Today I decided that I must be schizophrenic. I was vacuuming the house, muttering under my breath about the number of toys all over the floor. And it occurred to me--I will miss this! I'll miss the toys, because they mean small children live and love and grow here. So I started thinking about the future, and this is what I came up with:

Things I am looking forward to:

*No more toys lying around the house
*Freedom to come and go during the day without hauling 2 little boys in carseats
*Bathrooms (and a house!)that stay clean for more than 20 minutes
*Not having so much "help" with the everyday chores of life
*A smaller grocery bill and less dinner to fix every night
*Quiet
*Less laundry
*Less demands on my time
*A full night's sleep

Things I'm not looking forward to:

*No more toys lying around the house. The time I spend playing with them is priceless and creates such great memories!
*Lots of time on my hands
*Bathrooms with nothing but a clean towel on the counter
*No one to help with chores
*Fixing dinner for 2 (it's HARD after 20-some years of cooking for 6+)
*No 'discussions' between siblings, no long conversations with teens, and too much quiet!
*Missing middle-of-the-night snuggles with my little guy. Nothing quite like drowsy kisses, snuggly hugs, and whispered "I love you"


Last night at our small group, I was in the kitchen holding darling Caeden, the 5 week old baby of one of the couples in the group. One of the men came in and teased me, saying that we needed to find me a 12 step recovery group for baby holding! I laughed, but it's true. I will ALWAYS volunteer to take the baby. I miss those days so much! My guys grew up too fast.

Someone recently asked me if we'd ever adopt again. You know what? If someone wanted to cover the costs, I'd be all over it! Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I have been tested physically, mentally, and emotionally with the latest addition. But my heart still aches to know that there are children with no one to love them, no one to hold them, no one to kiss their owies or tuck them in at night. I know I can't "save" them all. But we are so blessed here and we live with such abundance. It's hard not to want to share with those children. Unfortunately, I don't expect that it will happen again for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I know Jim isn't interested. I understand that and respect his decision.

So now, this schizophrenic is off to fix dinner for the masses before driving people several different directions. But when I'm done, I may just find myself a cup of cocoa and a good book. Maybe even read it at the bookstore!! That's pretty close to heaven if you ask me....