Friday, April 2, 2010

feeling 'stuck'

Sometimes I hear something or see something that starts me thinking. Not just the 'in passing' kind of thinking, but the deep 'I need to work this out' kind of thinking. Wednesday night was one of those nights. Jim and I were watching (previewing?) the last video for our small group the next night. The topic was community, and the question that really got me thinking was this:

"What breaks your heart?"

Thursday as I went through the day, I realized that there are many things that break my heart. It hurts that we have families in our lives who are unemployed and we can't (don't?) do more to help. Lots of families! It is hard to watch a friend struggle with a special needs child and know that because of distance I can't be as helpful as I'd like. (Or do I use the distance as a convenient excuse? After all, my life is busy too!) And, not surprising, my heart breaks when I think of the children around the world who simply need someone to care. (Isn't there room here for one more?) But I have found that even though those things--and others--break my heart, it's not as hard as it has been in the past. Why? Have I allowed myself to become hardened to the needs around me? Or do I sit back complacently because I don't think I have the resources to do the things I want to do (and therefore settle for doing nothing?)? Not exactly comfortable thoughts...

In the car yesterday, I heard a song I have always really liked. This time I just sat and listened to the words. REALLY listened. And I realized something. I'm just going through the motions these days. But how do I change? I can come up with lots of excuses as to why things are the way they are; in the end, though, they are just excuses. I could do things differently...IF I were willing to make a change. So, for today, for this week, for this month...this is my prayer:

No regrets
Not this time
Gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

Just okay's not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

I don't want to go through the motions
I don't want to live one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't want to spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything....instead of going through the motions?
(The Motions, by Matthew West)

Here I am, Lord. Use me! Then maybe I won't feel 'stuck' any more.

1 comment:

  1. Jennifer, I think of you as one of the most willing spirits to step up, help out, or accept a challenge. It amazes me that you feel stuck. I am always in awe of how much you accomplish in your day. I wish you could share some of your energy with me!

    P.S. I think Logan and Ryan need a little sister. ;)