a bit melancholy

PIGPILE ON HAILEY!! This is my favorite picture from Christmas 2007. Top to bottom: Ryan, Nicholas, Teddy, Victoria, Emily, and Hailey.


Surprisingly, it's been a hard day. Watching the snow fall outside also meant watching our plans for Christmas with Jim's family fall apart--it's just not possible to get from here to there and back with the weather the way it is. I had to call my sister in law and cancel. It's beautiful around here, and we'll be treated to a very unusual occurrence--a white Christmas--but for a variety of reasons my heart isn't truly in it.

Not being able to spend Christmas with Jim's family is one reason. I love my brothers in law and their wives, and with Jim's parents gone, this is one of the "big" things we do together every year. I am sad for Jim too, since I know that he truly loves the time with his family. Even with an alternate date on the calendar, we are going to miss being with all of them.

It's hard to watch my nephew and his family continue to deal with the hand they have. Leukemia is a nasty disease, and Nick is fighting valiantly. I know that he's gone from being nauseous to doing some vomiting, and that's not fun. He's having some heartrate issues from the drugs as well. That's hard. Watching that family adjust to their new normal--a 5 week hospitalization 500 miles from home, a very sick little boy, a strange apartment, none of the comforts of home, some less-than-supportive family--hurts. I can't just fix it, no matter how much I'd like to. Seeing my parents struggle with the same issue as they watch their daughter hurt and their grandson so ill is hard. Not knowing what to say, what to do...it's hard. I'm sure there are lots of things that I could do that would make things easier for my sister, but I don't know exactly what they are and she's not been one to ask. She's pretty independent! :) But in light of the road they're traveling, thinking about a "joyous" Christmas is hard.

And I miss my son. I know that he's going to be fine even though he's not coming home. But my mama-heart longs to have him here. I HATE the thought of him being alone for Christmas, and I am struggling with the fact that his Christmas presents are still under my tree because the weather's been so terrible I haven't been able to get someplace to ship them! So my firstborn will be without his family and without any gifts at Christmas this year. This year, missing Brent has taken on new meaning, since my other sister and her family will be here from Chicago. It's been years since we've all been together for Christmas, and Brent's not able to make it. I know that Nicholas and his family won't be with us tomorrow, but we'll all be together on Saturday for a celebration at the hospital. Missing Brent that day will be hard. At this point, it may be the last Christmas my family will ever be together, since we don't know if Nick will make it. The odds are against him. Many are praying for him, and I know that God still performs miracles. Even still, we are working hard to make every opportunity count.

There are bright spots this year: my children are delightful and helpful; we are all healthy and our bills are paid; we have the honor of having my sister and her family out here for Christmas (and we appreciate their sacrifice to be here!); and we can see Jim's family soon and will have a wonderful time when we do. As always, the best part of Christmas is the REASON we celebrate. Life without Christ would be meaningless. Knowing that He came as a baby in such humble circumstances is overwhelming. Understanding that He loves me just boggles my mind. I am grateful for that most precious gift at Christmas, and I will never lose sight of that.

Even when my heart hurts and my tears fall....