good stuff

REALLY good stuff.  This blog post (The Truth About Adoption:  One Year Later) describes well the phases of the post-adoption adjustments.  Go read it.  Now.  I’ll wait.  The rest of this won’t make sense if you don’t…  Oh!  While you’re there?  Click on the “About” tab and learn more about Jen Hatmaker.  It’s humorous, and you’ll be glad you did.  :)

Thanks!  Told you it was good stuff.  :)  In our case, the description is right on for one adoption, and skewed for the other.  Years later, we are still mostly hanging out in Stage 4, with some days/weeks/months in Stage 3, and some particularly bad times that feel like Stage 2.  Some of that is due to the seemingly endless list of complicated, inter-connected issues in his life.  We all recognize that.  After all, who wouldn’t have “Spaz Out” days if you couldn’t hear well or understand clearly what was going on around you??

But…the hope is there.  The victory is there.  Though the road is not easy for this one, GOD is the miracle worker.  And He’s not through—with us or with our dear son—yet. 

In Him, we can do this.

He is enough for us all.

Amen.

what happens…

…when global dyspraxia (motor planning issues) and vestibular defects (balance issues) meet concrete walls:

 

Poor guy!  He got both knees and both thighs as well.  :(  Fortunately, they are all fairly light abrasions and should heal without any scarring.

solitude, still small voices, and a big old whack!

Hanging clothes on the line to dry is one of my favorite things to do.  I LOVE when it’s warm enough in the summer to do this, and look forward to doing laundry just so I can hang it on the line. 

The little guys hate laundry day, so they have no particular interest in being around when I’m hanging clothes.  it’s quiet.  It’s peaceful.  It’s sunny and warm.  The sky is (generally) blue.  There’s typically a light breeze, and it’s exceedingly pleasant outside when I hang the first load somewhere around 9:00…

I love seeing how big the boys are getting.  Hanging their laundry reminds me that every day they are growing:  physically, mentally, emotionally, academically, spiritually.  As I hang each item, I take time to pray something specific for the person who wears it.  Ryan’s shirt that says “Play hard or go home” reminds me to pray for both of them to remember to win with dignity and lose with grace, not only in sports but in life.  Logan’s shirt that says “Mighty Warrior” reminds me to pray for him as he fights the battle against hearing loss and learning issues, as well as to pray for our sweet friend Katie (since her name is on the back of that shirt, and you can read more about her here)  There are things I hang that remind me to pray for others:  the shirt I wore at the reunion last weekend reminded me to give thanks for old friends and lasting relationships.   And when everything is dry and ready to come down, I go back out and take each item down, fold it carefully, and enjoy the time to be grateful for all the blessings we have.  The solitude of the task is where I most often hear the still small voice of God.

Sometimes, though, I find that even at the clothesline I am too distracted and too busy to hear that still small voice.  That’s generally when I get a big old whack alongside the head instead.  The other day, for instance, I was upstairs brushing my teeth when Logan came in and started talking to me.  As is typical for him, he started mid-story (without any context, of course) and asked me a question about the 3rd sentence.  But because he wasn’t in the room when he started talking, the water was running and the fan was on, I didn’t hear the first sentence.  Or most of the second.  So I had absolutely no idea what he wanted.  I gave him a funny look and asked him to repeat his question.  He looked frustrated, took a deep breath, and tried to ask again, but since I had no idea what he was talking about, we didn’t get far.  About the time I was starting to lose my cool, it hit me:  THIS is how Logan lives life EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  He doesn’t hear me when I talk to him unless I get his attention first.  Because of his hearing loss, he doesn’t hear all the words.  Because of his language processing issues, he doesn’t always hear the sounds correctly.  He lives in a state of perpetual confusion and frustration, and we only compound it when we get frustrated with him.  Talk about feeling guilty!  I don’t like these big old whacks!!  They are, of course, helpful, but the overwhelming sense of failure can be painful. 

Today as I hung laundry, I prayed about that big old whack.  Thanked God for showing me in a small way what life is like for my guy.  Asked that He would continue to bring it to mind BEFORE I lose my temper with Logan. And I asked for ears to hear that still small voice so I don’t need any more big old whacks! 

Contentment in everyday chores.  Joy in the work.  An opportunity to give thanks and pray specifically for those in my life.  I only wish every job around the house was as enjoyable as laundry!

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord and not for men…”      ~Col 3:23

successes, surprises, and some sadness

No, we really haven’t fallen off the face of the earth.  I promise.  It’s been a big, busy couple of weeks around here!  The successes have been great fun to witness.  The little guys had their first ever ‘fishing trip’ while we were on vacation, courtesy of big sister Hailey and her young man Alec.  Ryan and Logan think it was a rousing success:

And Ryan’s learned to ride his bicycle.  That’s been great fun.  He LOVED the freedom of riding his bike around the campground.  He thinks riding in the cul-de-sac is pretty awesome too.  :)

And today both boys had their eyes checked, and both of them passed with flying colors!  Such great news, since Logan tends to be on the very edge of what is considered ‘normal’ vision for his age. 

Those were great things.  The surprise came July 18, when we took Logan to see the audiologist.  For months and months—since January at least—I’ve gone back and forth wondering if he’s not hearing as well as he has in the past, or if he had just mastered the fine art of ‘tuning Mom out’ rather early.  Then one day in early June, when it was particularly bad, I picked up the phone and made an appointment for a new hearing test. It felt like grasping at straws, especially since his hearing loss has been completely stable for 4 years.  The results of the hearing test were disheartening at best.  Our little guy with a moderately severe hearing loss has lost a big chunk of what hearing he did have.  No wonder it appeared he was ignoring us or tuning us out.  No wonder he seemed to give random answers to questions.  No wonder cooperation at speech therapy has been hard to come by.  There are lots of unanswered questions, and we have an appointment to see the ENT (ear, nose, throat) doctor in 3 weeks.  The recommendation has been to try hearing aids again, something that Logan finds intriguing.  We still have his hearing aids from our last (failed) attempt, so that part is good.  The hard part is that we can’t get in for a fitting (to have earmolds made and to have the aids programmed) until September 19!!  That’s the earliest available appointment.  Until then, we wait and watch and try to not be frustrated by his seeming lack of response.  Knowing it isn’t intentional helps.

The sadness is mixed with excitement and a sense of adventure.  Next Wednesday, Emily heads back to school for her junior year.  (Where does the time go??)  Then, the weekend after Emily leaves, Tori heads off to college as well.  My baby girl is all grown up.  She and Em will be at school together, so that’s fun.  Getting from here to there will be quite the challenge—the ‘to-do’ list to get them both ready to leave is about a mile long.  And growing.  I know there will be plenty of tears over the next few weeks as they both leave home.  I’m excited to see them spread their wings and fly, but it is bittersweet at best.  For a bit, it looked like it would be just Jim and me and the little boys here this fall, but Hailey got word that she’s been accepted into the program she was hoping to, so she plans on moving home in September.  I’m certain I’m not looking forward to the ‘adventure’ of shifting things around so that we have space for Hailey and her things, but having her live at home will be fun.  She’s a great young lady, and we all enjoy her company.  She’ll be super busy (full time classes + 2 part time jobs!) so I don’t know how much we’ll see her…

Successes.  Surprises.  Sadness.  Amongst all the goings-on of the summer, it is nice to know that none of this surprises God.  HE has it all in control.  I just have the (simple!) job of trusting Him…

?

This pretty much covers it…

I know I’ve been AWOL.  Life has been busy, and now we have the crud here.  Might be a bit before I’m back.  Sorry.

searching for joy in the everyday

Dad and kids…camping, without Mom.  A long time family tradition, this year was a bit longer and a bit farther than most trips.  Instead of 2 nights less than 2 hours from home, it was 5 nights more than 4 hours from home.  I spent 3 days last week shopping and cooking and packing for them, so that while they were on vacation together, they could just enjoy their time and not have to worry about meals or anything.  Just heat up (or finish cooking) what Mom had already prepared and enjoy.  Paper plates?  You bet.  Clean-up made easy.  Anything to simplify life for my crew.

So what did I do while they were gone?  I loved almost every minute of it!  I had the opportunity to spend some time by myself and some time with friends.  I took a long walk down memory lane as I stayed 3 nights in the city where I graduated from high school and where Jim and I were married.  I went up to the church and peeked in the sanctuary.  I wandered around some of the rest of the building.  I met with an old friend to discuss an upcoming reunion/dinner.  I watched water skiers on the lake.  I stayed up late with friends.  I discovered a delicious wine.  :)  And I looked long and hard at why this has been such a difficult year for me.

It’s been hard.  Ugly sometimes.  I have days I don’t want to do this any more.  But it’s not a choice.   Doesn’t matter how I feel.  I have unloaded on a few (un)lucky souls, people who know me  and have my deepest trust.  I know I’ve said things I shouldn’t have.  I know I owe some of them an apology.  But there aren’t words to describe how much I appreciate their willingness to be a sounding board or to just let me vent.  Most often, that’s all it takes.  (I just hope I haven’t destroyed relationships in the process!!)

When my family came back yesterday, I was greeted with hugs and kisses.  And dirty laundry.  While I folded the 5 or 6 loads I washed, I took time to pray for each of them, to thank God for their presence in my life.  In the process, I was reminded that it’s okay if I don’t love every minute of every day.  It’s okay if I enjoy time to myself.  The big thing is that I need to remember to find the joy in the mundane things of life.  My goal for today…next week…next month?  This:

“…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation…”  ~Phil 4:11-12

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.”  ~Col 3:23

Sure can’t hurt.  Now, I’m off to see if I need to repair a friendship or two…

it’s not about him

I don’t get it.  I just don’t get it.  When I get to the end of my rope and can’t stand the thought of doing this another minute, I usually get a little tap on the shoulder, and a voice says in my ear:  “He’s not the problem.  Look inside.”

Conviction.  It bites sometimes.  And right now it really sucks.  EVERY single time I get frustrated parenting this child, God reminds me that his actions, the ones that make me absolutely nuts, are no different than my own in my relationship with God.  That child doesn’t listen well, and can’t remember for 30 seconds to keep his hands to himself?  Well…my track record with hearing and obedience sure isn’t stellar.   He continues to pester with unanswerable questions?  Ask about things he doesn’t need to be concerned with?  Tries hard to make your plans fit HIS schedule?  Yep…guilty as charged on all counts.  Sometimes looking in this mirror hurts.

Last night it hit me.  Like a ton of bricks.  Parenting this child is a very good reflection of my own immaturity, my own selfishness, my own insecurities and inabilities and disabilities.  So he’s not like the others.  What of it?  Because he’s not ‘typical’ or ‘easy,’ he has opened my eyes to my own failings in ways the others never could.  The challenges of training up this young man will hopefully mature me into a better person.  (At the moment, I’m not so sure it’s very successful.  I’m choosing to take a long-term view here, though, so there’s still hope… :)  )

In the meantime, I fuss and fume.  I yell and rant.  I cry.  I tear my hair out.  I stomp my feet and tell God exactly what I want Him to do, and when I want Him to do it.  Fortunately, He is gracious with me, and I am not without hope. 

So today, I will sit back and rest in the words of Ecclesiastes 3:11a:

“He has made everything beautiful in its time…”

and pray that I will have the faith and the patience to KNOW that God never fails, that His word IS truth, and that He is growing and maturing both of us.  We WILL get there, someday.  Fortunately, His timing is way better than mine, so I’m going to (try and) take a deep breath and chill out! 

camping, Pacific NW style

In June, that frequently means rain.  Sure did this weekend!  It was COLD and drizzly much of the weekend, so we saw more of the inside of the car and the trailer than we had hoped.  But we did get to the beach, and we did get to have a campfire every night. 

I made a decision before we left:  when camping with an all-male crowd, take along something to make the campsite pretty.  My roses are in bloom, so these went along:

and certainly prettied up the picnic table.  They were out Friday afternoon, but spent the rest of the weekend in the trailer due to the rain.  Sadly, the rain brought an uninvited visitor…

and he brought several friends.  (I didn’t take pictures of all of them.  Too depressing!)

The beach was quite the attraction Friday afternoon, and the boys (all 3!) had a great time throwing rocks.

(Mr. Scrawny Legs needed a haircut big time!)

Their styles and body types are a bit different.  :)

They LOVED sitting around the campfire at night, and have now discovered the joy of s’mores.

Today on the way home, they got to learn more about the ‘guy things’ that go into trailer camping.  Things like emptying the grey and black water tanks.  They thought it was great fun to help out.   (Yahoo!  Means I don’t have to.)

Overall, it was a very successful test run for the new Suburban.  In spite of the rain, we had fun.  I must say, though, that I was very happy to see the inside of the house today, with a nice warm shower available.  :)  Sure felt good!  The boys had a ball and cannot wait until next week, when they get to do this again! 

Pullman…June 2012

Again.  It was pretty.  Most of the time.  The first day was awful:  cold, rainy, windy, and just flat out nasty.  But the next day was better and the 3rd day (the day we had to leave) was stellar!  I found a park and did some hiking. I did realize at some point that hiking a 3 mile trail alone, when I haven’t told anyone where I’m going, and it’s in the middle of NOWHERE with only 3 cars in the parking lot is probably not my most brilliant idea ever.  But all’s well that ends well.  :)

The view from the vista at the park was incredible.  Gorgeous.  I would be totally content to stay for hours enjoying God’s creation.

The trail going back down went through the woods.  It was a LOT steeper (glad I didn’t go that direction to the top!) and very pretty…

…and had something that made me stop and catch my breath.  Ever heard of the ‘giant palouse earthworm’?  I had, but I never expected to see anything like it. 

I have no idea what one really looks like, but this is the biggest earthworm I have ever seen.  (Note the grand fir cones in the picture—they’re about 3” long)  Literally…the thing was HUGE.  It wasn’t a snake (trust me—I got a stick and checked!)  I stood there in a near panic, trying to decide what to do.  I did have enough smarts to take a picture, but then you all would have laughed to see me trying to gather the courage to step past it.  It’s just an EARTHWORM!!  The kind of thing I used to dig and collect as a child.  Sheesh.  What a girl!  The thing that pushed me into going on?  Knowing that I would have to trek back UP the path through the forest!  Stepping over the worm was easier.  (But I think it was probably 100 yards or more before my heart quit pounding.)

Okay…you all can quit laughing now.  :)  On to more serious news:

Remember these buildings?

And my desire to do a 4 season spread??  I already have 3 seasons (spring/summer/fall).  I drove past them last weekend.  Guess what???  There won’t be a winter picture!!  The buildings are still there, but they’ve been covered with corrugated aluminum siding.  :\  It just wouldn’t fit right, and I am sad. 

A few of us are headed north this weekend for some ‘first of the season’ camping!  Look for more pictures (and funny stories, I suspect, since the short entertainment is going along) sometime next week. 

the promised pictures

at 6 weeks…

and the first day of Kindergarten (almost 5)…

a high school freshman (with her friend Markie)…

and the last day of high school…

You are one special girl, and it’s been quite a journey!  Can’t wait to see how the next part turns out.  Love you!!