I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. When I get to the end of my rope and can’t stand the thought of doing this another minute, I usually get a little tap on the shoulder, and a voice says in my ear: “He’s not the problem. Look inside.”
Conviction. It bites sometimes. And right now it really sucks. EVERY single time I get frustrated parenting this child, God reminds me that his actions, the ones that make me absolutely nuts, are no different than my own in my relationship with God. That child doesn’t listen well, and can’t remember for 30 seconds to keep his hands to himself? Well…my track record with hearing and obedience sure isn’t stellar. He continues to pester with unanswerable questions? Ask about things he doesn’t need to be concerned with? Tries hard to make your plans fit HIS schedule? Yep…guilty as charged on all counts. Sometimes looking in this mirror hurts.
Last night it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. Parenting this child is a very good reflection of my own immaturity, my own selfishness, my own insecurities and inabilities and disabilities. So he’s not like the others. What of it? Because he’s not ‘typical’ or ‘easy,’ he has opened my eyes to my own failings in ways the others never could. The challenges of training up this young man will hopefully mature me into a better person. (At the moment, I’m not so sure it’s very successful. I’m choosing to take a long-term view here, though, so there’s still hope… :) )
In the meantime, I fuss and fume. I yell and rant. I cry. I tear my hair out. I stomp my feet and tell God exactly what I want Him to do, and when I want Him to do it. Fortunately, He is gracious with me, and I am not without hope.
So today, I will sit back and rest in the words of Ecclesiastes 3:11a:
“He has made everything beautiful in its time…”
and pray that I will have the faith and the patience to KNOW that God never fails, that His word IS truth, and that He is growing and maturing both of us. We WILL get there, someday. Fortunately, His timing is way better than mine, so I’m going to (try and) take a deep breath and chill out!
I have been dealing with some similar things for the past few months with my daughter. It is so easy to get discouraged and feel like we have the worst relationship ever. I too have been convicted the same as you, seeing so many of the things I need to deal with...my own sin. I am the tantrum thrower. I am telling her to stop, when I am the one that needs to examine my heart and change my attitude. Well, we both do, but...I must set the example.
ReplyDeleteThanks, my friend. I wish neither of us was in this place, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone. Miss seeing you!!
DeleteI can relate to this post, although we have different philosophies about who we are answering to. I taught second grade for ten years and had a pretty good track record of connecting with, motivating and enjoying the children in the my classes. Two children in particular I had trouble with; they drove me insane. They were both Asperger's. I knew then that autism spectrum was not my strength. And then I was given an autistic child of my very own. Oh, the irony. How do I tell my daughter that she is "not my strength" and sorry, but I find her behaviors too difficult to parent gracefully. It's not her fault. I owe it to her to grow, to work on my patience, and to allow her particular challenges to become my strength. It's just really hard. Really hard. But I keep trying because there is no other choice. I love her.
ReplyDeleteSo I identify with your challenge, Jennifer. I know we are both doing the best we can.
just found your blog...I sure needed this post tonight!! Thanks
ReplyDeletecheryl
North Carolina
Jennifer, I was just venting to Colleen the other day that Rachel is driving me nuts lately. She seems to be one big ball of defiance. She complains about every. single. thing. every. single. day. She argues with me about every little thing. She gets angry so easily lately. If she weren't only almost 8, I'd think it was just adolescence hormones. I have no idea what is going on, but it is making me crazy. And yet still, she is so well-behaved - for everyone else! I know our issues are not the same as what you are dealing with - but I'll admit to wishing I could run away for a few weeks lately!
ReplyDelete