housekeeping

Finally, I had a chance to do a little ‘housekeeping’ on the blog.  I’ve updated my list of favorite reads.  As it says, it’s an eclectic collection, but it fairly accurately represents me.  (Don’t even ask me about my taste in music!)  Now, if only I could make it run like I want, it would all be good.

I’ve taken on M3’s Spring Fling challenge to post every day in April.  We’ll see how it goes…I’m not sure life here is THAT interesting!  :)

And because the sun is (temporarily) shining, I’m headed out to get some things done.  Can’t waste any sunshine these days—it’s been 54 days since we’ve seen it!!

rain rain go away

The view out the window today…

And the pretty flowers in my garden, getting hammered by the rain.

It’s been a grey dreary week.  The rain keeps falling, with no sign of letting up until Thursday or Friday.  I don’t usually mind the rain, but after last week’s non-stop downpours, I’d REALLY like to see the sun.  Even for an hour…the reprieve would be nice.

But, the rain seems to fit life at the moment.  Not mine, to be sure, but that of my big guy.  He’s having a bit of a tough time.  We texted back and forth today, and his words broke my heart.

“Hey Mom. I think I know why I’m not in the Marines any more.  It hasn’t been a great month for a lot of my buddies in Afghanistan…ie the companies I would have been in if I had stayed…”

I told him I was sorry, and I knew that it had to hurt.

“I’m still alive so I’m not hurting as much as they are or were.  You have no idea how hard this is…for some of them I even feel responsible for them, like I didn’t do a good enough job.”

Turns out that he got a call this morning from the parents of one of his buddies, a young man killed in action.  He’s hurting.  So I hurt.  Then came the hard part:

“I’m sorry…I never EVER would have wanted to put you through what his parents are going through now!”

I told him there was no need to apologize, that being a Marine is honorable, and dying in the line of duty is beyond hard but honorable.  I reminded him that I had to come to terms with the risk when he enlisted, and that’s why it was so hard then.  I would never want to lose him, Marine or not, but I can do nothing to control the risk.

It’s hard to come face to face with death.  Harder still when you’re 21 years old and wishing you hadn’t been medically discharged from the Corps.  Young men who are 21 shouldn’t die. I get that.  I agree.  And yet, as I told Brent…”I can’t think of anything more painful than losing a child.  But I HAVE to hang on to the fact that God has a perfect plan, no matter how hard it is here in this life.  That’s why faith is so important.”

Today, my young man took another big step toward maturity.  While it’s hard to watch him hurt, my heart rejoices in what I see.  He is a fine young man, and I am proud to call him my son.

living—life on life

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.  Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children,  to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.  ~Titus 2: 3-5

“I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe that you are qualified to serve as a Titus woman.  I don’t want you involved in that way.”

I could hardly hold back the tears.  It had taken me the better part of 2 years, time spent praying and looking at my life in light of those verses, to get up enough nerve to ask if I could serve with our young moms in that capacity.  I understand what it is to have a house full of little people.  I remember clearly how it felt with four children under 5 years old.  Ele Parrot, in the introduction to her book Transforming Together writes:

“When I was in my twenties, overwhelmed by four small children and a very full life, I often wondered, ‘Where are the older women?  Doesn’t anyone see I’m drowning here?’  Or worse, ‘Doesn’t anyone care that I’m going under for the third time?"’  I felt like I was constantly shoring myself up and limping through moments of self-doubt, self-hate, loneliness, and a lack of self-worth…

“However, in the core of my being—in the depth of my soul—I knew there was more…or I hoped there was more, for, if this was all there was to being a follower of Jesus, I was sorely disappointed, angry, and scared…I knew that in Titus 2:4-5 we were told that the older women 'can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind.’  I knew what it said, but I desperately desired to feel the results of such a relationship in my own life.  And so I vowed that when I was an older woman I would purpose to be there for the younger women.”

When I read that, it was as if Ele had spent time inside my head.  Those words are almost exactly what I’ve said to Jim many times over the years.  Now, here I was, feeling ready to step out and be that person, and was being told I wasn’t qualified.

It is where my heart has been for many years, and on the advice of a Godly mentor, I had waited until my big guys were in high school and beyond to think seriously that it might be time.  After all, if the point is to have the OLDER women teach the younger ones, then I needed to continue to grow and mature.  When I approached the leader, I had 1 in college, 3 in high school, and 2 in preschool.  I had been-there and done-that for many years, and as a bonus, I was parenting children the same age as the women I wanted to be involved with.  That’s a HUGE bonus, since I was clearly in the thick of parenting as it is today, operating from a position of significant experience.  That day, I was crushed, and a long held passion began to die.

But God is SO faithful.  Since that particular day at my kitchen table, He has filled my life with the most incredible assortment of young moms.  Some of them are very young—I’m old enough to be their mother!  Some of them are much closer to my age, but their children are young.  All of them add fun and laughter to my days.  I consider it a privilege to be part of their lives.  They inspire me as I continue to parent my big guys.  They challenge me to grow, to carefully think about my responses as the parent of adult children.   They encourage me to step out of my comfort zone, and are huge cheerleaders when I do.  They have kept me on my knees as I pray for them.  Hearing their stories, their struggles—it makes me realize just how blessed I am to have the family I do.  My childhood was nearly perfect.  My parents are wonderful.  My sisters are fun to be with.  My own family is delightful.  As I think about each of those women, I am humbled by the fact that they think…that GOD thinks…I have something to offer.  My passion for the young moms has returned, perhaps stronger than before.  Am I willing to put myself out there, to ask again to 'formally’ hold the role of a Titus woman?  Maybe not.  But then, maybe it doesn’t matter.  I don’t need a human’s blessing to be what God wants…just His. 

So to all of you—too many to name lest I leave one off unintentionally—I thank you.  You have blessed my life immeasurably.  You have helped me to grow and mature.  No matter how overwhelmed, lonely, and unappreciated you feel, know that you make a difference.

ahhhhh

After a week of being scattered across the northwest, the majority of the family is back home tonight.  It was SO nice having a full table again…and the little guys are thrilled people are home.  They’re tired of Mom’s un-cooking while everyone was gone… 

Now, to get Brent and Emily back here at the same time that everyone else is here.  That would be pretty darn close to heaven.  :)

different ideas

"Yes, you can bring it out.  But it will take both of you to do it.  You’ll have to work together.”

Excitedly, they scampered off to bring out the toy they wanted to play with.  It’s not heavy, but it’s big and awkward.  I figured it would take both of them to carry it from the corner out into the living room.  I went back to the kitchen to finish fixing breakfast, satisfied that they could do it without my help.

Clearly, my idea of working together is different than theirs.  When I peeked into the living room from the kitchen, I saw Logan carrying the toy and Ryan standing behind him, giving directions.    My born-pleaser was working hard to make my born-leader happy.  It was working.  This time.  But I have to watch, so that my leader doesn’t take advantage of his ‘pleaser’ brother.   Some days are not so successful, and both the leader and the pleaser end up in tears—the leader because his ideas weren’t followed; the pleaser because his buddy, the leader, isn't happy. 

“How to channel this” is a near constant refrain in my head.  My leader needs to learn mercy, compassion, and the art of being a good leader.  And, he needs to learn to follow directions well himself!  My pleaser needs to assertiveness, strength, and independence.  And, he would benefit from learning how to work WITH people, not just FOR them.  Fortunately, they are only 6.  There is time…

Yahoo!!

The weather here is horrible.  Just HORRIBLE!  I don’t usually mind the rain, but this. is. enough.  Victoria’s been backpacking on Catalina Island; she flew home this afternoon.  As is common for teens, she got in at 3pm  and had a 3:30 bus to catch for a weekend in Portland…tight timing, to say the least.  Mentally, I had prepared to drive her to Portland if I had to (and yes, I knew it was possible when I said she could go this weekend.).  But God was incredibly gracious:

• Tori’s flight got in 20 minutes early
• She didn’t have a checked bag
• Her friends Hannah and Natalie didn’t have softball practice today—too wet.
• The kids from church got a later-than-anticipated start
• In addition to the bus, they chose—at the last minute—to take a car.  That car had only the driver in it.  Judy (the driver) wanted passengers.  And Tori, Hannah, and Natalie needed a ride.
• The girls got hooked up with Judy and are riding down together. 

And me?  I’m happily back at home, enjoying a warm, dry (in the house, anyway!), stress-free afternoon MUCH more than I would otherwise.  Especially since my other option today would be Friday afternoon rush hour traffic in the pouring rain.  All the way to Portland.

Even the little stuff is important to God.  :)

lessons from retreat

I left the retreat on Sunday feeling uncomfortable.  God had re-opened some questions that I thought were answered…closed…finished.  The hard part is that they’re not just MY questions, they are OUR questions—Jim’s and mine.  Jim’s not there yet, not ready to re-open them.  So I drove home trying to figure out how to cope with the prickly feelings of conviction, not remembering that if it is truly a God thing, then HE will be faithful to bring Jim to the table.   Fortunately (?) Jim’s gone this week, so I didn’t have the opportunity to rush ahead of God, and now I remember so we’ll see where He leads this conversation.

It has been interesting.  As I’ve mulled over Ele’s words from this weekend, God has provided me several opportunities to share what I learned.  In a different direction than I personally was being challenged and convicted.  It’s so cool to see the timeliness of this. 

Ele shared the reminder that we all are valuable to God—He created each of us.  Becoming a woman of significance and purpose, though, is a choice.  It requires that we remember some things first though.  Things like “…”He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.”  (Acts 17:26b).  You ARE where God would have you!  Exactly where you should live!  Wow.  But there’s more.  We need to allow Him to “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (Ps 90:12)  Those things have to happen before we can pursue becoming people of significance and purpose.

So what does it take to be significant to God?   Remembering the 3 non-negotiables:

• being a person of prayer (James 1:5-8)   
• being a person of faith (Hebrews 11:1)
• being a person of the word of God  (2 Tim 2:15)

and applying them to life.  Daily.  Thinking through those non-negotiables, look at where you are growing and where you are stuck.  Hmmm…

Then we talked about the two things we ARE as believers (salt and light, Matthew 5).  About worry and fear.  About how to deal with a spirit of fear, and what happens if we are released from the fear but don’t fill that space with the things of God.  About the antidote to worry and fear (Phil 4:6) and the peace that comes as a byproduct of obedience (Phil 4:7).  Then we did a fascinating exercise.  Make a list of the following words (Phil 4:8), then beside them write their opposites:

• true
• noble
• right
• pure
• lovely
• admirable
• excellent
• praise-worthy                                                    

Where am I living?  What occupies my thinking?  Am I living in such a way that what should be an 11 day journey takes 40 years (see Deut. 1).  That’s not how I want it to be!  Fortunately, I have the power—and the tools—to make change it.

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, O Lord"…”  ~Psalm 19:14

*********************************************************

Busy day tomorrow.  Logan’s having his gross motor skills and his fine motor skills re-evaluated by the school.  He may qualify for therapy again since his skills have not improved relative to his like aged peers.  Then Victoria comes back from her backpacking trip to Catalina Island and heads out directly for Portland for the weekend.  Looks like she’s going to miss the bus, and I’ll have to take her.  Quick trip down and back.  What is it with long distance day trips these days?!?  She returns Sunday afternoon.  Next week is spring break around here…hopefully the sun will come out and things will slow down!  And then on Friday?  I’m off to Pullman.  Again.  This time it’s for the weekend, to enjoy Moms Weekend with my girl.  Sounds heavenly.

stumped

By a preschool readiness worksheet, no less!

Here are the directions:  “Decide how the first 2 pictures in each row relate to each other.  For example, you can live in a house or a tent, but the house is fancier.  Now think about the glass.  Using the pictures from the bottom of the page, cut out the one that could also be used like a glass but is just not as fancy and paste it in the box next to the glass.”  Sounds simple…and the first question is.  There’s a paper cup in the pictures on the bottom of the page. 

Here’s the one I am fairly sure Logan won’t get:

Giraffe is to palm tree as mushroom is to ____________.

Now, I can see the correct answers, but how exactly would you pick BUG as the right one? 

It will be interesting to see how this works…

lightbulb moment

Logan has something called bilateral vestibular hypofunction.  Basically, that means that his inner ear, his balance center, doesn’t function properly.  He struggles with everyday things like sitting (and staying!)  on chairs and walking down the street.  With vestibular issues come vision issues, and Logan is no exception.  He has difficulty with something called visual figure ground discrimination, which means that it is difficult for him to find a single item in a busy setting.  Where’s Waldo books?  Forget it!  And when you combine his vestibular issue with his (significant) hearing loss, you have a problem.  In addition to not hearing well, it’s HIGHLY likely that Logan has an auditory processing dysfunction.  Auditory processing dysfunction is when the brain and the ears aren’t communicating well, and the message received does not match the message sent.  We see evidence of this every day.

The lightbulb moment?  Today, when I read that people with bilateral vestibular hypofunction have to rely on their senses of taste, smell, and touch to get appropriate input from the world (since their eyes and ears and balance don’t work correctly).  THAT is the likely reason Logan is so danged tactile, always always always touching.   It helps explain why I say ‘take that out of your mouth please’ 150 times a day to like he’s 2 instead of 6.   And it made me realize, again, just what a complex puzzle he really is.

<sigh>  We still have SO far to go…

6 years

6 years ago today, a 9 week old baby boy was left on the orphanage steps in the night.  Who left him there?  Did they kiss him goodbye?  Do they still miss him?  Do they ever wonder what happened to him?  Was it his momma or his daddy?  Or was he taken away by someone else?  Is March 28 as difficult for them as it is for him?

Three years ago I wrote this, about how abandonment day is for Ryan.  This year it has been horrific.  And, it’s been compounded by having his tonsils out.  By Mommy being gone all weekend.  By Daddy leaving today to spend some time with Brent.  By sister leaving yesterday.  Tonight, one teary frightened little boy is struggling to keep himself together, panicky with fear that those he loves won’t come back.  And it breaks my heart.

Healing.  Every year we see progress, but we’re definitely not there yet.  How long?  I wish I knew…