…but oh SO worth it to see this face:
even though he hates having his picture taken.
We are enjoying sun and sand, and time in the pool. See?
It will be hard to leave Brent on Monday, but we have to be home on Wednesday morning and it’s a LONG drive. So we’re going to enjoy another day in the sun. Lots of pictures will help us through the days when Brent’s not with us. Most will probably be like this:
but I even like this one:
It reminds me that my baby isn’t so little any more…
My goofball guy has a new bicycle that he’s absolutely loving. He lost another tooth and is excited that the toothfairy FINALLY got it right and brought him a toothbrush…instead of money. And those pjs? Those used to be Brent’s. A LONG time ago. Makes me laugh to see them on Ryan—I can hardly remember when Brent was this little!
Several Sundays ago at church, part of the sermon was about ‘praying with expectation.’ That phrase has tumbled around in my head since then as I have mulled over what it means in practice, in real life. Nothing like real life application to take the thought to the next level, though.
I am finding, though, that ‘praying with expectation’ is much easier for me to say than to do. I get caught up in too many things, to many doubts. I get the principle—pray, believing that what you have requested will happen, then give thanks when it comes to pass. James chapter 1 talks about those who don’t believe when they ask; it calls them ‘double-minded,’ ‘unstable,’ and ‘like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.’ And sometimes I see myself there. Do I REALLY believe that God will do this for me? Do I REALLY believe that He is capable? I would tell you yes, but sometimes I think that in my heart of hearts I don’t trust. I struggle with the ‘Is this what I want or is it God’s will?” “If it’s not God’s will, is it something I really want? How do I know?”
Last January when Brent first told us he was going to enlist in the Marines, I cried. Buckets. Almost every day. I couldn’t see my baby in uniform or going to war. Growth is frequently painful, and this has been no exception. Waiting for him to leave, then sitting helplessly on the sidelines as he dealt with illness and injury during basic training—those were HARD. Learning at his graduation just how serious his illness had been was even worse. But you know what? God’s been faithful. I have been blessed with amazing friends who remind me (especially when it gets tough) that our prayer since December 1 has been that God would do what it takes to recapture Brent’s heart. THAT’S a hard prayer, and praying it with expectation is not easy. I know it will be painful for Brent. I don’t want to see my son hurt, to see him deal with hard things. But I also know that child and know well that he is a ‘school of hard knocks’ student. He doesn’t learn well from the experience of others. So while I hoped that the illness in December would serve as a wake-up call, I was fairly certain that it would take more. How much more? I didn’t know that. Are we there yet? I don’t know. That makes it much harder to pray with expectation. Because each injury is tougher to deal with, longer recovery, and more potential for complications.
It was refreshing to have Brent ask that we have his friend Derek contact him. It has upped the bar for me. Takes the ‘praying with expectation’ to the next level. And still I struggle. I still know what my heart wants…but is it what God would have for him? Every Many times every day I find myself like a ‘double-minded’ person, unable to muster the faith to truly pray with expectation.
I love Casting Crowns. I’ve spent a lot of time listening and trying to practice the faith they sing about in “Voice of Truth”
Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win
But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
I WILL choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth. It will make it easier to pray with expectation. When it involves my children, how could I do any less?
I am TOO OLD to have a 2 year old around full time. I spent the morning with a delightful 2 year old today (and her 5 year old sister. And my two 5 year old boys. And a 3 year old girl) but I am TIRED. I have forgotten how much energy 2 year olds have, how many questions they ask, and how much they see to put their hands on that I don’t see.
Granted, this little one was not in her finest form, having been awakened at 6:oo AM and dropped off here at 6:30. Her baby sister was going in for surgery and she needed a place to stay. Her family is packing to move to a new house—when they find one. Her life hasn’t been stress-free the last little bit, and when you add tired to the stress, it makes an interesting combination. After her second or third meltdown, we snuggled up in the rocking chair and just rocked. Amazing how cuddles can tame the monster within. A few minutes later, she was back in control and had a great morning from that point forward. I love her to death and can’t wait for her to come play again, and bring her sisters. But I think 6:30 might just be too early. For her, not for me. :)
Thanks, my friend, for the privilege of loving on your girls this morning. Know for sure that they are welcome here any time. And Jim sends his thanks—he’s relieved to hear me say that I’m too old to do this full time now. I think you and your girls made his day!
…how a day can pass in a flash and feel like time is moving slower than molasses in January at the same time?? I mean really—I nearly missed getting Logan to preschool (and sent him without lunch!) because the morning passed so quickly, but this day has just dragged on and on and on.
Somehow I think that the time between now and Brent’s MRI on May 28 is going to feel like that a lot.
Looking forward to summer in a big way! Too bad it’s going to feel so short this year. :(
“why momma? why does this have to happen to me…what did i do?” ~text received last night at 8:55pm
Shortly after 8 last night the phone rang. I asked Emily to answer as I was sitting in the living room enjoying a lively discussion with our small group. I heard her say, “Well she’s kinda busy. It’s small group night. Is it important?” then heard her push back the chair and head through the kitchen. Seeing her somber face as she handed me the phone, I knew something wasn’t quite right. Then she whispered, “It’s your oldest son.” My heart sank.
Finally, after 4 weeks in Basic Medical waiting for his broken wrist to heal, Brent had been given the ‘all-clear’ to resume training. He started May 4, anticipating finishing his required 9 weeks of Infantry Training July 9. This was the final step to complete before being able to have a ‘real’ life again and do things like set a wedding date! But one thing I’ve learned—phone calls during training are NOT good. Weekends are okay when they are on liberty, but during the week? Can’t be good news. And it wasn’t. It seems that Brent has hurt his knee. Possibly quite badly. He was in tears as we talked. The pain is intense. The swelling is huge. He can’t bend his knee beyond 15°. The heartache is palpable. The answers are impossible…
The text came after we had cried together, said our goodbyes, and hung up. How do you answer that question??? With tears in my eyes, I told him the only things I knew for sure:
“Oh sweetheart. I can’t answer that. But God can. Ask Him. And I will pray too. I love you.”
My heart aches for this child of mine. This Marine Corps thing has been one disaster after another. All he wants to do is FINISH and move on! A multi-sport athlete (soccer, basketball, and baseball) turned year-round basketball player (with some golf in the spring), he’s NEVER had significant injuries. The typical jammed fingers from basketball? Sure. Even a horribly swollen, purple and blue and green sprained ankle. But that was a LONG time ago—like 6th grade. He’s in good shape. He did well on his military testing. His PFT (physical fitness testing) scores were good. He was a leader in his platoon—the first platoon. Then he became a heat casualty and spent 2 weeks in medical rehab. When he joined a new platoon to complete basic training, he was again put in a leadership role. And graduated with a broken wrist. Reported back after his leave to spend 4 more weeks in Basic Medical. And now? He’s back there again. Only this time it could be a VERY long time. He will have an MRI on Monday May 28 (not Monday as we were originally told). So we wait. And pray. In the meantime, my momma heart wants so desperately to be there, to fix it for him, to take care of him. And I know his sweet Kayla feels the same way!
Please, if you think about it, pray for Brent. Pray for healing. Pray for encouragement. Pray for wisdom for the doctors, and for peace for a young man frustrated beyond measure. Pray for both of us—ALL of us—as we hang on to Isaiah 55:8-9
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”
that we will truly TRUST that God is in control.
~Brent and Kayla after he proposed and she said yes~
This summer is destined to be filled with delicious things from the garden. See?
Peaches…
and cherries…
and strawberries…
and blueberries…
and raspberries.
A whole row!!
Plus 4 apple trees covered with tiny apples. The squash, corn, tomatoes, brussels sprouts, and baby yellow peppers are coming along nicely. The radishes, carrots, and beets are ready to be planted this weekend.
And sometimes my garden even has these:
and these…
And they are the very best things of all!
…I’ve unloaded and re-loaded the dishwasher, made 5 breakfasts, 5 lunches, and 2 cups of coffee (not for me—I don’t drink the stuff!), cleaned up the kitchen a second time, washed and dried a small load of laundry, researched how to solve Ryan’s toe cramp problem, and gotten myself mostly cleaned up and ready to go. Plus, I have refereed two “nerf gun” wars, answered the phone twice, and put away a box of produce.
Think I can have some breakfast now? Welcome to Tuesday mornings at my house. :)
our plane ride was over and our lives were about to change. Again. Our last day as a family of 7(minus Brent, who was at school studying for finals) was spent here:
on the Great Wall. Then, mid-day on Saturday May 10 (after a nap…)
we got on the bus and headed to Philip Hayden Foundation, where Fu Xiao Tong was waiting for us. He was NOT happy to see us! See?
It has taken a while, but the boy who was so unhappy to see us is now fully, totally, wholly integrated into life here. It’s been a bit of a rocky road but none of us can imagine life without him. We knew we were adopting a boy with a repaired cleft lip and repaired cleft palate; what we didn’t know is that while his known medical needs would be non-issues, the unknown medical needs would cause us to stretch and grow and develop new callouses on our knees. :) Today, dealing with hearing loss and dyspraxia of speech and developmental delays and sensory integration issues are becoming second nature. And our family is better because of it.
Then…
…and now…
Yesterday the little boys had a dream met in the afternoon. They had the opportunity to ride on a tractor with one of Daddy’s good friends. Their smiles lit up the pasture and the giggles were contagious. Far cry from 2 years ago. But then, that’s what life is—learning and growing and living and loving, sharing the joy and carrying the burdens, together.
Happy 2 years, Logan James FuTong Kassebaum. We love you!
